It's a numbers game....

People are genuinely surprised when I 'fess up to how many sexual partners I've had.


It's much lower than you think. Much lower than pretty much anyone thinks. Then again most people fail to consider that I'm not exactly the type to be hanging around keggers in a bikini with 6" heels & smeared lipstick. Maybe I'm just particular with who I let into my vag. Plus I've spent 5 of my 26 years in serious relationships. Because you know, committed relationships seem to have this strange habit of taking your time away from fucking other men.

That said I've had more than a few use 'em/lose 'em one night stands. Admittedly at one point I wasn't even bothering to remember their names. I really don't think they cared that much but hey, it's pretty awkward looking for a guy's jeans on your bedroom floor & having to struggle to remember if his name was Matt or if Matt was the guy you picked up in a bar last week. Either way, Mr Half Naked Man, thanks for the orgasm.

Numbers seem much more important to men. Important in regards to how many vaguely human life-forms they can get their friends to believe that they've bedded in their existance. Bless their competitive little souls, they'll say they screwed their 9th grade lunch lady just to stop from coming in with the lowest figure.

With girls - numbers sometimes aren't so kind. I remember my dear old grandmother making me promise to her that I'd be a virgin on my wedding night (Sorry Nona). But when she was my age the virgin ideal was still the norm. Now if I ask any guy I know 90% of them say they'd kill for 20 minutes with the plastic infused girl onscreen, the blonde one, the one currently getting drilled by 3 different guys in 3 different orifices.

Yet when it comes to serious girlfriend material they seem to prefer not to go where many many men have gone been before. Who knows, maybe the idea of a virginal bride is still a drawcard? Are virgins still hot to guys? (I'm not a penis carrying member of society so hit me back if you are & you've got an opinion) But seeing as I also know all my guy friends have all had a ride on the friendly neighbourhood bar-skank, I'm certainly not going to stake any money on it.

Keeping that thought in mind, along comes Mr P.

Mr P is an insufferable douchebag I dated who had a smug, condecending way of making me feel about as worthy as a two dollar hooker. For some reason I find myself dating this lukewarm puddle of jerk off who eventually gets the balls enough to come out & ask me about how many guy's I've slept with - which if you're reading this, I'm obviously not that shy about revealing. Now I'm an honest, openminded kind of girl; I don't really see the point in lying about sex, especially when it comes to something as important as a potential partner's sexual history. But something; some sharp, niggling little feeling in my head told me I should round my number down. Right down. Down to single digits. Down to the middle range of the single digits in fact.


Even that was too much for Mr P, a man who had spent an entire evening boasting about how satisfied his many varied ex girlfriends were. Fixing me with a look that was clearly wondering if contact with my girl parts would corrode his dick, he tells me that the number seems "excessive" & asks if I'm "a whore or something".

This...... This is a glaring red flag screaming at you to get the fuck out. Preferably after kicking him in the balls for being a condecending douchbag. But for some reason I still dated him for an entire week after that, which included sleeping with him - the world's worst idea. But apparently I'm a little bit stupid when I'm naked. That's not really the point.

If a guy wants me to be the Virgin Mary that's his issue, not mine. What's with that anyway? Guys today either wants a church going pastor's daughter or a porn starlet who'll admit to enjoying more than one bukkake fest on her days off. Where's the middle ground? Where's the sexual equality in that? Finding out that you're in triple digits doesn't have me screaming "Unclean! Unclean!" & scrubbing off 3 layers of skin now, does it?

Of course the whole Mr P episode was fucktacular fuck up but in the end I still came away on top. Not surprisingly the guy is one of the worst lays I've ever had to endure. What's more interesting is the fact that he's a pharmacist who's hobby is apparently pumping every legal/not-so-legal drug into his system which means at 30, he's basically impotent. His dick just don't work the way it should - ie, at all. Add to that I find out Mr P is actually 3 fumblings off being a virgin. Virgins are cool in my book. Insufferable douchebag assholes are not.

So Mr P..... No, I'm not really sorry that I pocketed your stash of Viagra to use while fucking my next boyfriend. It's not like you're going to use it anyway. And yes, I lied. My number is more than either of your tiny pinhead(s) can comprehend.