Sunday, October 26, 2008

Girls who like boys who like boys

How do I begin to explain the strange attraction heterosexual women have with homosexual pornography..... more specifically male homosexual porn?

Gay dudes going at it? That's hot. But of course, with us feminine folk being like snowflakes with personality disorders, no two of us are exactly the same. Not all women are open to the idea of watching two men in studio lit, overproduced throws of of manual/oral/anal pleasure but you'd be surprised at the amount of them who would be curious to see/read/imagine how it's done.

Slash. No, not the Gunner's guitarist. If you don't know what slash fiction is you've obviously been ferreting 8-tracks away under a rock somewhere. Slash is a variation of another one of those new-fangled, and slightly stalkerish, internet developments - fan fiction. But with dudes. Naked dudes. You're starting to get the point right?

Turns out a predicted 80% of 'slash' authors are women. Straight women. Possibly even family members. Writing about how Marcus is about to enter Michael's puckered entrance with his throbbing manhood & blow a thick creamy load, all the while giving a courteous reach around.

I didn't say it was any good. It's like that wet patch on your bedsheets at 3am - you try to ignore it but there's no denying it still exists. And an increasing number of women seem to love it.

I'll admit, I'm not really into sleeping with my fellow women. I like women, I admire them, their softness, sensuality, excetera excetera. I'd probably have to take a few minutes to consider the situation if the opportunity to sleep with another woman arose. No doubt I'd think it over. Hell, I'd probably do it just because I'm a curious kind of girl. But in all honesty I don't really have a burning, all consuming desire to go fingerbang that hot waitress who works in the cafe a few blocks over. When it comes down to business I like dick & the only pussy I'm interested in is my own. Yet watching two dudes have at it? That's hot. Like steamy, "oh-no-he-just-didn't" forbidden fruit kind of cliche-ness that gets (some) girls all flushed & bothered.

I can't talk for men on the issue - I'm not one after all - but from what I understand, lesbians - or rather young, supple, pnematically altered play-lesbians - are the thing of wet dreams. And I get it. Guys see two hot girls going at it & he in all his testostorone laden glory, thinks it's a great possibility that he can saunter in & offer to give them a hand - or a penis - and the offer will be accepted with gusto. Two is better than one isn't it? Yet mention two boys fooling around a little & the vast majority of straight dudes are going to totally freak the fuck out. Turns out they're really, really insecure when it comes to the vague suggestion, imagined or otherwise, of another guy mining their pudding stash.

Maybe that's why we like boy on boy - because it so obviously freaks 'straight' men out. Same reason it's always funny when another guy hits on your boyfriend. Maybe it's because our soft pink parts are clearly not needed in a M/M situation - it's kind of like a holiday for your vagina. Maybe it's just because everyone is a little curious as to what everyone else is doing/how they're doing it. Either way, real, non-fictionalized man-loving men don't give a fuck. They're all too busy nailing cute WeHo bartenders.

Pineapple blowjobs

I read a lot of... stuff online. I'm like some sort of compulsive reader - for example in the last week I have read the entire history & character backgrounds for both the Mortal Kombat game series & the X-Men universe. I like comics. Sue me.

However mostly I find I read about sex. Because I like sex. A lot. It's fun, I like having it, like writing about it. And I like learning new things. Sex combines a lot of things I like (especially if you're an adventurous soul like myself) - bottom line, it's fun and can quite often be educational.

Hence the reason I have Semenex bookmarked. Partly for the curiousity value, partly because I find the premise absolutely fucking hilarious.


"Anciently, semen was revered as the magical "Elixir Vitae," offering healing and rejuvenation to the adoring female devotees who drank regularly from the male "fountain."


Today, sex research has proved that healthy semen actually possesses "as-yet unknown properties" that provide females with truly "wonderful health benefits."


Note they only mention female devotees. What about those stereotypically fashion conscious young men who like a little male fountain action? Are they apparently doomed to miss out on these afformentioned 'wonderful health benefits'? Apparently they're a little homophobic over at Semenex. Either that or they've really overlooked a major portion of the dick sucking demographic.

I particularly like the 'scientific research' that states semen has some kind of depression busting organism that instantly makes women feel terrifically happy to have a mouth full of nice, warm jizz. That's a therapy method that might be a little hard to sell to the general public.

Now what I find most curious is the fact that none of our Semenex friends seem to be able to pin down an actual flavour. Pineapple, banana, strawberry, broccoli, and celery are all mentioned (in the same sentence no less - what a wonderful flavour combination) And pumpkin pie. Really, What. The. Fuck. If I wanted anything to taste pumpkin pie chances are I'd go eat a slice of pumpkin pie.

Blow shouldn't taste like pumpkin pie. And unless you're giving head to a pina colada, it shouldn't really taste like fruit salad either. Or broccoli.

Look, I really don't care if it works, if it tastes like magical fairy dust or if blowjobs really are the cure for depression. What intrigues me the most is who the hell buys this? A quote suggests one group of potential customers...


"Semenex is where to go for delicious sperm guaranteed. Finally, an answer to the 'I don't like the taste' argument."


- MAXIM Magazine


Ever thought maybe she just doesn't want your day long sweaty cock in her mouth? You think buying this product will what, prove her wrong & force her to suck your dick on principle? Take a shower then ask politely fuckwad. If that fails go down on her with the condition she return the favour. As for any ladies who may think wonderfully fruity semen in a jar is a good idea, save your cash. Buy a strap on or something.

Semen is never going to taste like chocolate dipped sunshine but really - provided he's not eating garlic coated asparagus - I personally don't find the taste that unbearable. But if you're really that worried/unable to stomach the amazingly bland taste, simply make him stick to the rules (Believe me, you're not going to have an argument - the mere suggestion of a BJ is a terrific motivator for any guy)


Good
Fruit, chocolate, sugars, candy, icecream,basically anything sweet


Neutral
Pasta, breads, milk products, meat products.From experience most healthy semen tends to taste like flour paste. And you really shouldn't be blowing any crackheads/walking pharmaceutical incubators so make sure he can stand up before you start going down on him.


Bad
Asparagus (yes, that one's very very true), garlic, onion, strong tasting fish, excessively salty foods, pretty much anything with very strong flavours. Keep away from those. Really


And for the love of all that is holy - shower first. I understand that it's a huge turn on for guys to come home after a long day & recieve a little oral loving from your (here's hoping) obliging partner. But even as a girl who freely admits to enjoy giving oral sex, there is nothing - nothing - worse than being confronted with a penis that has been imprisoned in your pants and fermenting in ball sweat all day. Shower shower shower - can't make that important enough.

In the end (I'm tragic for obvious puns) you've got yourself some options - spit, swallow, don't let him come in your mouth in the first place. It's not as if you're using his semen as mouth wash so suck up that gagging reflex a little longer & allow it sit on your tongue for 2 minutes - it's not going to kill you. Hell, you might even collect on some of those mysterious "wonderful health benefits" on the way to the bathroom sink

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Spring cleaning

Urgh. There are times when I'd trade my whole life-incubating reproductive system schtick for a shot of bourbon & a pack of oreos.





Look uterus, go read a book or something. There's nothing to see here so go back to hibernating dammit.