It's a fine line between pleasure & pain

I love girl chats.


"My boyfriend wants me to use a strap on with him. How do I do that? Is he going to like it? Does this mean he's gay?"

Well if he's suggested it then chances are high that yes, he's probably going to like it - but hey, you're not really going to know unless you give it a try. What you're going to need, in addition to that sturdy little strap on, is time, patience, confidence and a lot of lube. A LOT. Because I'm sure you remember your first anal & wow, it fucking hurts first time around. Plus he's a giver & not used to being the reciever so it's going to be a long, long night getting him used to it. Doesn't mean he's gay either. Just that he likes to get fucked in the ass. No surprise really after he's liked doing you there for so long. Just remember, after you've eased him into the deed you're basically playing his game with his equipment - so own that silicone cock & really give it to him.


I once dated a guy who was into watching porn involving those huge novelty dildos. You know the ones - 4ft long & so thick I'd struggle to get my hands around the goddamn thing. "Toy" my ass, that's a fucking cock shaped nightmare for most girls.

That kind of deal seems to go hand in...... gash, with things like fisting. Now I've never tried fisting - frankly having a dude's entire hand inside my birth canal is NOT AN OPTION. Ever. Having a hand full of my cervix is sexy to you? Dude, you could probably pop a few fingers into my womb while you're in there. And same deal with insertion porn - wine bottles seem to be very popular in those circles. One thing though, all these tend to involve a woman with eyes bigger than her vag. Well, sometimes not I guess. Have you seen the size of some of those hoo-ha's? Lady if you can fit an entire eggplant/40 oz bottle/football up there it's probably not a good thing.

It's like reverse birthing - I don't have kids but I've seen the process - it's a messy, painfilled screaming struggle to get something that big out. So personally I can't see the joy in jamming it back up in there. Sure a lot of girls enjoy a tight squeeze but hey, sometimes enough is enough, time to draw the line & cut your losses. Because someday you're going to get too greedy & I forsee bad, bad things; namely a really embarrassing trip to the emergency room. And the inability to use the word "gape" without shuddering.

Let me put my love into you

Guys who refuse to wear condoms. Pretty sure every girl has met at least one of them. They're the guys who say they can't wear condoms because they're too tight, they can't keep an erection, they're allergic (okay, that's legitimate but if you know that you're allergic, you also know the solution).

Or some simply say they don't like them. Well shit man, you don't like em? Well damn, you're bang outta luck. Guess you don't like getting laid either.

I'm sure everybody knows condoms come in different sizes. If you didn't, well, you do now. Sorry for busting open that little secret. From itty-bitty cute ones to something that I can fit my entire arm in. And if it's bigger than that well sorry, it's just not happening anyway. I very much like my ability to walk thank you very much. Was nice meeting you though. Goodnight.

As for allergies? That's easy. Either you come prepared with the latex-free goodness or dude, you're not getting on this ride.

The erection thing, I'll concede, may actually be true, albeit in a very very small section of men. Hell, I'm still amazed by erections in general - those things are all kinds of awesome to watch. But sorry, I'm not going to buy it if you tell me your currently raging hardon isn't going to survive me removing my hand/mouth for all of a minute to slap a wrapper on that sucker. If by chance it actually doesn't well there's plenty of fun to be had - so long as it's away from the baby chute.

But my dear ladyfriends, you're not without responsibility either. No is a lot easier to say than "Hi, remember me? We fucked a month ago & now I've got syphilis." Or the eternal crowd pleaser - "I'm pregnant". And don't rely on him bringing the goodies to the party. Go forth & buy your own rubbers. They come in lots of pretty colours - co-ordinate them with your outfit if you're into that. Plus did you know you can make waterproof microphones with them? Neither did I until right now. That's kinda cool isn't it?

Basically dude, put on a damn rubber on or it's just not happening. I don't know where your dick has been poking itself & for that matter, you don't know who else has taken a tour of downtown gash-ville. And it's a nice tour, believe me.