I used to date a guy who could only get an erection if I told
him how small his penis was.
From $500 lingerie, feather paddles-leather paddles-studded
paddles, PVC nurses uniforms, riding crops & foot massages -
nothing got the same response as telling him I've seen bigger
cocks on chihuahuas. And after trying everything from the
physical, the chemical & the emotional (proving to him, very
intimately, my aversion to underwear) a girl begins to think
that maybe she's the problem. Yet as soon as I'd raise a
voice to him, belittle him, tell him that he wasn't even
hitting the sides, he'd reply with a burst of enthusiasm
that'd leave a girl open mouthed, trembling & very, very
breathless.
He was a toe sucker too - a sensation that, personally, makes
my skin crawl. (If you really want to creep me out, lick the
soles of my feet - guaranteed to make me run screaming into
the night after involuntarily kicking you in the face &
possibly taking an eye out) And he'd cry during sex, a
godawful experience in itself - what the hell are you
supposed to do when he bursts out in tears at orgasm? Give
him another to make him feel better about himself?
The question remains - WHY ARE THEY NO 'NORMAL' MEN LEFT?
Seriously, I'm not asking for much am I, a man who burps,
eats pizza, drinks out of the carton & puts his feet on the
coffee table - one who doesn't want to pull on the kink for
every single living moment of his life. Sure it's fun to
experiment, to play around & try new things & I'm an active
advocat of trying (almost) everything once. But jesus fucking
christ, I don't want to have to come home every day & let my
handcuffed diaper wearing 'friend' out of the locked 5x4 box
at the end of my bed.
What if I go on holiday? Do they operate boarding kennels for
the sexually malcontent? Filled with row after row of little
cages complete with handcuffs & feeding tubes? Or can I just
ask my neighbour, a sprightly woman of 74, to come over & let
him out for a run once a day?
Oh I'm sure the same probably goes for high maintance women -
I just don't sleep with as many of them so that's not really
my problem. Same goes with the type of guy who spends more
time in the bathroom than I do. If he's not in there jacking
off & if he owns more beauty products than I do then buddy,
we have a problem. Personally I solve this by just not going
there in the first place; I like my boys dirty & smelly -
makes me feel all the prettier. But if by chance I find
myself in the company of a guy who's bedroom is cleaner (and
better designed) than mine I automatically assume that if I'm
not on top of my game that night, he'll most likely be gay in
the morning.
What happened to little effort, no frills casual sex? I don't
want to have to hire a fleet of hairdressers, makeup artists
& train like a triathlete just to withstand one night of
overly indulgent sexual decadence with a guy whose most
likely going to steal my concealer in the morning. And I
don't want to have to have a compulsively submissive partner
reliant on me for every decision, including toileting habits.
If I wanted that I'd have popped out a baby or two already.
Maybe I'm just lazy but all I want is a dirty sweaty boy
who'll beg me for sex, make me utter all the appropriate
noises & when we're done, will simply roll over & fall
asleep. Throw in a 10 second cuddle before the snoring starts
& I'll be a happy girl. Who knows, maybe I'll even get to put
that $500 worth of lingerie to good use someday....
FYI - It really wasn't all that small. Apparently masochism
comes in all sizes.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Blowin' in the wind
My 'friend' (read ex fiancee/still current sack buddy - a girl has needs after all) D, is a firm believer in oral sex. Or more to the point, the recieving of oral sex. Which puts him in the same category as, lets see.... 99.9972% of all men on the face of the planet.
Blow jobs - men may like to think it's a male dominance thing
but in truth they only tell themselves that to give
themselves a sense of reassurance when they realise that in
fact their fleshy pride & joy is nestled ever so precariously
within a nest of shiny white enamel. One bite & it's all over
Rover.
Oral sex truly breaches the wall of sexual diversity. Gay,
straight, tri-curious, male, female, not-too-sure-but-close-
enough - everyone loves a licking. Sure, we girls get all
fancy & call it cunnilingus but what do you expect from the
percentage of humanity that buys $400 heels? Put a pretty
label on it and we'll be fighting like cats to get us a
piece.
There's a whole ettiquite to the deed as well - and it goes
well beyond the age old swallow/not to swallow debacle.
Depth, teeth, pressure, breathing, hand position......
there's a lot of thought & effort that goes into a good blow
job. They should give out awards for the really good ones &
little 'Thanks For Participating' ribbons for the ones who
tried..... but just didn't quite get there in the end.
It was a 6"5 blonde transexual who first taught me the fine
art of prostate stimulation. I was intregued, curious even,
to find out that this red taloned individual was offering to
provide me with the dark secret to what 'she' guaranteed was
the key to almost instant gratification.
"It's easy pumpkin" (Somewhat disturbingly my grandmother
also calls me pumpkin - a mental image that's sure to scar me
even further) "Just wait until he's ready to blow then stuff
him with a knuckle load."
Valuable advice from a man who can dance all night in 6 inch
stilettos. Needless to say, I still wonder how many
individuals had experienced an encounter with those
formidable false fingernails. And just how many times 'she'
had to replace them after a mysterious disappearance during
the night.
But, all asides aside - back to the point. No matter what the
language, the setting, the participant; There's always
someone jacking off to some skanky blonde bobbing like
there's no tomorrow & copping a load in the cheek - thank god
for internet porn. If more people were out there
giving/recieving their chosen oral sub-genre there'd be fewer
problems - we'd all be too content to give three shits about
the fucked up state of society. Hell, we'd all be on our
backs getting blown so there'd be no one to explode buses &
bludgeon baby seals in the first place.
So reach out to your fellow man. Give someone you love a
blowjob today.
Blow jobs - men may like to think it's a male dominance thing
but in truth they only tell themselves that to give
themselves a sense of reassurance when they realise that in
fact their fleshy pride & joy is nestled ever so precariously
within a nest of shiny white enamel. One bite & it's all over
Rover.
Oral sex truly breaches the wall of sexual diversity. Gay,
straight, tri-curious, male, female, not-too-sure-but-close-
enough - everyone loves a licking. Sure, we girls get all
fancy & call it cunnilingus but what do you expect from the
percentage of humanity that buys $400 heels? Put a pretty
label on it and we'll be fighting like cats to get us a
piece.
There's a whole ettiquite to the deed as well - and it goes
well beyond the age old swallow/not to swallow debacle.
Depth, teeth, pressure, breathing, hand position......
there's a lot of thought & effort that goes into a good blow
job. They should give out awards for the really good ones &
little 'Thanks For Participating' ribbons for the ones who
tried..... but just didn't quite get there in the end.
It was a 6"5 blonde transexual who first taught me the fine
art of prostate stimulation. I was intregued, curious even,
to find out that this red taloned individual was offering to
provide me with the dark secret to what 'she' guaranteed was
the key to almost instant gratification.
"It's easy pumpkin" (Somewhat disturbingly my grandmother
also calls me pumpkin - a mental image that's sure to scar me
even further) "Just wait until he's ready to blow then stuff
him with a knuckle load."
Valuable advice from a man who can dance all night in 6 inch
stilettos. Needless to say, I still wonder how many
individuals had experienced an encounter with those
formidable false fingernails. And just how many times 'she'
had to replace them after a mysterious disappearance during
the night.
But, all asides aside - back to the point. No matter what the
language, the setting, the participant; There's always
someone jacking off to some skanky blonde bobbing like
there's no tomorrow & copping a load in the cheek - thank god
for internet porn. If more people were out there
giving/recieving their chosen oral sub-genre there'd be fewer
problems - we'd all be too content to give three shits about
the fucked up state of society. Hell, we'd all be on our
backs getting blown so there'd be no one to explode buses &
bludgeon baby seals in the first place.
So reach out to your fellow man. Give someone you love a
blowjob today.
Filthy mind.
I am constantly asked questions about sex by friends. How I achieved this dubious/illustrious position as sexual councillor I have no idea - sure I like to bump bones as much as any other girl but I hardly allude to leading a life filled with as much sexual deviancy as you can fit into a one-size-fits-all PVC gimp suit. I just figure my unwavering sense of sarcastic wit just puts people at ease.
Go figure.
But hey, I'm a girl - breasts, x chromosomes & ovaries - and we talk about cock almost as much as we talk about shoes. As soon as your back is turned, out comes the girl's guide to all things phallic & testostorone fuelled. Basically everything is open for discussion - size, orgasms, whether or not he wants you to diaper him & calls you mommy. We're mercenary. Chances are that behind the innocent angelic face of your girlfriend/sister/mother lies a profoundly perverted princess. Yes, your mom; try that on for trauma.
First things first, this will never be a 'how-to' guide - If you don't know how, you probably shouldn't be doing it in the first place. Actually scratch that - I'm all for new & inventive ways of ridding humanity of the less intelligent & preventing them from breeding further stupidity so go ahead, see if you CAN be the first to pull off the backwards facing monkey position while balanced on the edge of a cliff-face. In fact I dare you.
Think of these more as friendly chats, albeit one-sided, with your open minded neighbourhood girl next door - except I'm far less gullible, more sarcastic & that ubiquitous box under my bed probably doesn't contain old school year books. Feel free to ask questions if you feel so compelled - I enjoy a good laugh & I need a new hobby since my pyschotic neighbour stopped screeching at her much maligned boyfriend in the middle of the street.
For example, meeting up with my long time friend & fellow deviant, J, for lunch last week, she asked if I had any experience with the world of watersports.
Watersports??
Personally I like waterskiing. It's fast, wet & you get a tan while you're doing it. But fucking a guy who wants me to take a leak in his mouth while he's tied to my bed with a red rubber dildo up his ass - well that's kinda fucking weird. And a whole bucket full of 'what the hell?'. But hey, I'm open minded, I attempt to understand all fetishes. It's just that this girl's set her limits and in no way shape or order do they encompass (supposedly) erotic urination. My advice? Get a hobby dude. And perhaps some plastic sheets.
A question I've also been asked innumerable times by male acquaintances - why is my girlfriend hesitant to let me in the back door? Well heads up fuckers - it hurts. Putting something in the outbox, without the proper clearance, is always going to cause a few issues. That said, with adequate notification & the proper clearance.... [Insert awkward pause] But I digress. You'll find that most girls are open to the idea of a little walk on the darkside - simply be a gentleman about it. If not pile more & more pressure on her until she can take it anymore & guilt trip her into doing it to save the relationship. Hell, you're shallow enough that your relationship on reliant on anal sex so my guess is that you're going to ditch her anyway. You may as well get what you want before you're made into a crude vodoo doll & lined up in the windscreen of her SUV the next time you step outside your apartment.
That sounded a tad bitter didn't it? Anyway in the spirit of a more caring, sharing, touchy-feely kinda vibe around these parts, feel free to ask me anything that's been bugging you - be it about girl things, boy things or all-things-in-between things - I know a lot of odd people, have bucketloads of sarcasm & a big-ass dictionary.
Go figure.
But hey, I'm a girl - breasts, x chromosomes & ovaries - and we talk about cock almost as much as we talk about shoes. As soon as your back is turned, out comes the girl's guide to all things phallic & testostorone fuelled. Basically everything is open for discussion - size, orgasms, whether or not he wants you to diaper him & calls you mommy. We're mercenary. Chances are that behind the innocent angelic face of your girlfriend/sister/mother lies a profoundly perverted princess. Yes, your mom; try that on for trauma.
First things first, this will never be a 'how-to' guide - If you don't know how, you probably shouldn't be doing it in the first place. Actually scratch that - I'm all for new & inventive ways of ridding humanity of the less intelligent & preventing them from breeding further stupidity so go ahead, see if you CAN be the first to pull off the backwards facing monkey position while balanced on the edge of a cliff-face. In fact I dare you.
Think of these more as friendly chats, albeit one-sided, with your open minded neighbourhood girl next door - except I'm far less gullible, more sarcastic & that ubiquitous box under my bed probably doesn't contain old school year books. Feel free to ask questions if you feel so compelled - I enjoy a good laugh & I need a new hobby since my pyschotic neighbour stopped screeching at her much maligned boyfriend in the middle of the street.
For example, meeting up with my long time friend & fellow deviant, J, for lunch last week, she asked if I had any experience with the world of watersports.
Watersports??
Personally I like waterskiing. It's fast, wet & you get a tan while you're doing it. But fucking a guy who wants me to take a leak in his mouth while he's tied to my bed with a red rubber dildo up his ass - well that's kinda fucking weird. And a whole bucket full of 'what the hell?'. But hey, I'm open minded, I attempt to understand all fetishes. It's just that this girl's set her limits and in no way shape or order do they encompass (supposedly) erotic urination. My advice? Get a hobby dude. And perhaps some plastic sheets.
A question I've also been asked innumerable times by male acquaintances - why is my girlfriend hesitant to let me in the back door? Well heads up fuckers - it hurts. Putting something in the outbox, without the proper clearance, is always going to cause a few issues. That said, with adequate notification & the proper clearance.... [Insert awkward pause] But I digress. You'll find that most girls are open to the idea of a little walk on the darkside - simply be a gentleman about it. If not pile more & more pressure on her until she can take it anymore & guilt trip her into doing it to save the relationship. Hell, you're shallow enough that your relationship on reliant on anal sex so my guess is that you're going to ditch her anyway. You may as well get what you want before you're made into a crude vodoo doll & lined up in the windscreen of her SUV the next time you step outside your apartment.
That sounded a tad bitter didn't it? Anyway in the spirit of a more caring, sharing, touchy-feely kinda vibe around these parts, feel free to ask me anything that's been bugging you - be it about girl things, boy things or all-things-in-between things - I know a lot of odd people, have bucketloads of sarcasm & a big-ass dictionary.
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