I used to date a guy who could only get an erection if I told
him how small his penis was.
From $500 lingerie, feather paddles-leather paddles-studded
paddles, PVC nurses uniforms, riding crops & foot massages -
nothing got the same response as telling him I've seen bigger
cocks on chihuahuas. And after trying everything from the
physical, the chemical & the emotional (proving to him, very
intimately, my aversion to underwear) a girl begins to think
that maybe she's the problem. Yet as soon as I'd raise a
voice to him, belittle him, tell him that he wasn't even
hitting the sides, he'd reply with a burst of enthusiasm
that'd leave a girl open mouthed, trembling & very, very
breathless.
He was a toe sucker too - a sensation that, personally, makes
my skin crawl. (If you really want to creep me out, lick the
soles of my feet - guaranteed to make me run screaming into
the night after involuntarily kicking you in the face &
possibly taking an eye out) And he'd cry during sex, a
godawful experience in itself - what the hell are you
supposed to do when he bursts out in tears at orgasm? Give
him another to make him feel better about himself?
The question remains - WHY ARE THEY NO 'NORMAL' MEN LEFT?
Seriously, I'm not asking for much am I, a man who burps,
eats pizza, drinks out of the carton & puts his feet on the
coffee table - one who doesn't want to pull on the kink for
every single living moment of his life. Sure it's fun to
experiment, to play around & try new things & I'm an active
advocat of trying (almost) everything once. But jesus fucking
christ, I don't want to have to come home every day & let my
handcuffed diaper wearing 'friend' out of the locked 5x4 box
at the end of my bed.
What if I go on holiday? Do they operate boarding kennels for
the sexually malcontent? Filled with row after row of little
cages complete with handcuffs & feeding tubes? Or can I just
ask my neighbour, a sprightly woman of 74, to come over & let
him out for a run once a day?
Oh I'm sure the same probably goes for high maintance women -
I just don't sleep with as many of them so that's not really
my problem. Same goes with the type of guy who spends more
time in the bathroom than I do. If he's not in there jacking
off & if he owns more beauty products than I do then buddy,
we have a problem. Personally I solve this by just not going
there in the first place; I like my boys dirty & smelly -
makes me feel all the prettier. But if by chance I find
myself in the company of a guy who's bedroom is cleaner (and
better designed) than mine I automatically assume that if I'm
not on top of my game that night, he'll most likely be gay in
the morning.
What happened to little effort, no frills casual sex? I don't
want to have to hire a fleet of hairdressers, makeup artists
& train like a triathlete just to withstand one night of
overly indulgent sexual decadence with a guy whose most
likely going to steal my concealer in the morning. And I
don't want to have to have a compulsively submissive partner
reliant on me for every decision, including toileting habits.
If I wanted that I'd have popped out a baby or two already.
Maybe I'm just lazy but all I want is a dirty sweaty boy
who'll beg me for sex, make me utter all the appropriate
noises & when we're done, will simply roll over & fall
asleep. Throw in a 10 second cuddle before the snoring starts
& I'll be a happy girl. Who knows, maybe I'll even get to put
that $500 worth of lingerie to good use someday....
FYI - It really wasn't all that small. Apparently masochism
comes in all sizes.
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