Ladies, gents, anyone who mysteriously manages to be directed here by one of the inumerable intricate mysteries of the internet - we moved. Long time ago. The lack of updates should have been a tip off but with some of you people..... well, you never know with some of you guys.
We have our own patch now.
apocalypsepie.com
It's new. It's shiny. It has music. It has pictures. It has magic pictures that move (hereinafter known as video). It's muchly improved. And even better - it's ours.
Just remember, if you're desperate you can always contact us at apocalypsepie@gmail.com
And sometimes, just sometimes, we even facebook. Cos we like to waste our buckets of spare time (ha) playing online scrabble & douchey vampire quizzes with semi-retarded housewives.
We don't come here no more. So neither should you. Tell your friends.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Pirate Love
People ask why I write about sex. Well I'm definitely not a certified expert on the subject but I like it. I have it. I'd like to get more. Orgasms are great; we should have more of them. Boobs - they rock. And having someone let you stick parts of yourself inside of them is a pretty good deal. Even hugs are pretty kickass (especially if they involve boobs). Sex is all kinds of awesome for the most part. I mean, we all keep going back for it don't we?
Come to think of it though, sex is a bit of an asshole. It really screws some people over. Look at ex lovers - it still comes as a surprise to find out how many of them are fucking psychopaths. They may have seemed on the level & the sex might have been great. But now your windshield is broken, your voicemail is filled with the sound of hysterical sobbing & your cat is dead. Sex did that. If you'd kept it in your pants Cuddles would probably still be alive. How many times have you had to lie back while some doctor with cold hands pokes around your genitals because you picked up some stranger in a bar & now it burns when you pee? And you can't say that you haven't picked up a 11 the night before, only to discover in the cold harsh light of day that it was actually two 1's standing next to each other.
Fuck it. Sometimes sex leaves you wandering naked in a snowstorm, bleeding profusely from the head & wondering what the fuck just happened. Sex is a sick, sadistic bastard when it turns you around & nails you in the ass.
Still, I stand by the 'awesome' part. Then again if you know the guys I date you know I'm usually not good at learning from my mistakes either.
Come to think of it though, sex is a bit of an asshole. It really screws some people over. Look at ex lovers - it still comes as a surprise to find out how many of them are fucking psychopaths. They may have seemed on the level & the sex might have been great. But now your windshield is broken, your voicemail is filled with the sound of hysterical sobbing & your cat is dead. Sex did that. If you'd kept it in your pants Cuddles would probably still be alive. How many times have you had to lie back while some doctor with cold hands pokes around your genitals because you picked up some stranger in a bar & now it burns when you pee? And you can't say that you haven't picked up a 11 the night before, only to discover in the cold harsh light of day that it was actually two 1's standing next to each other.
Fuck it. Sometimes sex leaves you wandering naked in a snowstorm, bleeding profusely from the head & wondering what the fuck just happened. Sex is a sick, sadistic bastard when it turns you around & nails you in the ass.
Still, I stand by the 'awesome' part. Then again if you know the guys I date you know I'm usually not good at learning from my mistakes either.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
It's a fine line between pleasure & pain
I love girl chats.
"My boyfriend wants me to use a strap on with him. How do I do that? Is he going to like it? Does this mean he's gay?"
Well if he's suggested it then chances are high that yes, he's probably going to like it - but hey, you're not really going to know unless you give it a try. What you're going to need, in addition to that sturdy little strap on, is time, patience, confidence and a lot of lube. A LOT. Because I'm sure you remember your first anal & wow, it fucking hurts first time around. Plus he's a giver & not used to being the reciever so it's going to be a long, long night getting him used to it. Doesn't mean he's gay either. Just that he likes to get fucked in the ass. No surprise really after he's liked doing you there for so long. Just remember, after you've eased him into the deed you're basically playing his game with his equipment - so own that silicone cock & really give it to him.
I once dated a guy who was into watching porn involving those huge novelty dildos. You know the ones - 4ft long & so thick I'd struggle to get my hands around the goddamn thing. "Toy" my ass, that's a fucking cock shaped nightmare for most girls.
That kind of deal seems to go hand in...... gash, with things like fisting. Now I've never tried fisting - frankly having a dude's entire hand inside my birth canal is NOT AN OPTION. Ever. Having a hand full of my cervix is sexy to you? Dude, you could probably pop a few fingers into my womb while you're in there. And same deal with insertion porn - wine bottles seem to be very popular in those circles. One thing though, all these tend to involve a woman with eyes bigger than her vag. Well, sometimes not I guess. Have you seen the size of some of those hoo-ha's? Lady if you can fit an entire eggplant/40 oz bottle/football up there it's probably not a good thing.
It's like reverse birthing - I don't have kids but I've seen the process - it's a messy, painfilled screaming struggle to get something that big out. So personally I can't see the joy in jamming it back up in there. Sure a lot of girls enjoy a tight squeeze but hey, sometimes enough is enough, time to draw the line & cut your losses. Because someday you're going to get too greedy & I forsee bad, bad things; namely a really embarrassing trip to the emergency room. And the inability to use the word "gape" without shuddering.
"My boyfriend wants me to use a strap on with him. How do I do that? Is he going to like it? Does this mean he's gay?"
Well if he's suggested it then chances are high that yes, he's probably going to like it - but hey, you're not really going to know unless you give it a try. What you're going to need, in addition to that sturdy little strap on, is time, patience, confidence and a lot of lube. A LOT. Because I'm sure you remember your first anal & wow, it fucking hurts first time around. Plus he's a giver & not used to being the reciever so it's going to be a long, long night getting him used to it. Doesn't mean he's gay either. Just that he likes to get fucked in the ass. No surprise really after he's liked doing you there for so long. Just remember, after you've eased him into the deed you're basically playing his game with his equipment - so own that silicone cock & really give it to him.
I once dated a guy who was into watching porn involving those huge novelty dildos. You know the ones - 4ft long & so thick I'd struggle to get my hands around the goddamn thing. "Toy" my ass, that's a fucking cock shaped nightmare for most girls.
That kind of deal seems to go hand in...... gash, with things like fisting. Now I've never tried fisting - frankly having a dude's entire hand inside my birth canal is NOT AN OPTION. Ever. Having a hand full of my cervix is sexy to you? Dude, you could probably pop a few fingers into my womb while you're in there. And same deal with insertion porn - wine bottles seem to be very popular in those circles. One thing though, all these tend to involve a woman with eyes bigger than her vag. Well, sometimes not I guess. Have you seen the size of some of those hoo-ha's? Lady if you can fit an entire eggplant/40 oz bottle/football up there it's probably not a good thing.
It's like reverse birthing - I don't have kids but I've seen the process - it's a messy, painfilled screaming struggle to get something that big out. So personally I can't see the joy in jamming it back up in there. Sure a lot of girls enjoy a tight squeeze but hey, sometimes enough is enough, time to draw the line & cut your losses. Because someday you're going to get too greedy & I forsee bad, bad things; namely a really embarrassing trip to the emergency room. And the inability to use the word "gape" without shuddering.
Let me put my love into you
Guys who refuse to wear condoms. Pretty sure every girl has met at least one of them. They're the guys who say they can't wear condoms because they're too tight, they can't keep an erection, they're allergic (okay, that's legitimate but if you know that you're allergic, you also know the solution).
Or some simply say they don't like them. Well shit man, you don't like em? Well damn, you're bang outta luck. Guess you don't like getting laid either.
Or some simply say they don't like them. Well shit man, you don't like em? Well damn, you're bang outta luck. Guess you don't like getting laid either.
I'm sure everybody knows condoms come in different sizes. If you didn't, well, you do now. Sorry for busting open that little secret. From itty-bitty cute ones to something that I can fit my entire arm in. And if it's bigger than that well sorry, it's just not happening anyway. I very much like my ability to walk thank you very much. Was nice meeting you though. Goodnight.
As for allergies? That's easy. Either you come prepared with the latex-free goodness or dude, you're not getting on this ride.
The erection thing, I'll concede, may actually be true, albeit in a very very small section of men. Hell, I'm still amazed by erections in general - those things are all kinds of awesome to watch. But sorry, I'm not going to buy it if you tell me your currently raging hardon isn't going to survive me removing my hand/mouth for all of a minute to slap a wrapper on that sucker. If by chance it actually doesn't well there's plenty of fun to be had - so long as it's away from the baby chute.
But my dear ladyfriends, you're not without responsibility either. No is a lot easier to say than "Hi, remember me? We fucked a month ago & now I've got syphilis." Or the eternal crowd pleaser - "I'm pregnant". And don't rely on him bringing the goodies to the party. Go forth & buy your own rubbers. They come in lots of pretty colours - co-ordinate them with your outfit if you're into that. Plus did you know you can make waterproof microphones with them? Neither did I until right now. That's kinda cool isn't it?
Basically dude, put on a damn rubber on or it's just not happening. I don't know where your dick has been poking itself & for that matter, you don't know who else has taken a tour of downtown gash-ville. And it's a nice tour, believe me.
Monday, February 9, 2009
The first cut is the deepest
Today I was sent this link by a friend who has admittedly, never been with an uncircumsized dude. She's just started seeing a guy who happens to be au natural & being the helpful kind of person I am, she shyly hit me up with a few questions to supposedly help her from ballsing it up when they get down. Why all the nice, calm, reassuring questions? Because she found this sterling example of retardation which only served to freak her out a little more.
Dating an uncircumcized guy
Now this is my blog so I can be as incredulously snide as I like here. What the holy fuck was that?
It's a penis. If you need operating instructions, put your damn pants on & go get sterilized. We don't need your kind of stupidity reproducing.
No, his foreskin is not hiding teeth. No, it's not going to swallow you alive while you sleep. It's not incubating the plague or any other form of exotic disease you think you can get solely from sleeping with uncircumcised men. He knows how to clean it & if he doesn't, the boy has some hygiene issues, not dick issues. Like someone in the comments pointed out, when it's erect it's the same as a neatly trimmed one. It'll still get you pregnant. It'll still give you a nasty case of gonnorrhea. It'll still make you cry, watch shitty movies & eat a pint of icecream if it dumps you for another girl. In fact it'll do exactly the same job either way you slice it.
Wake up darling. You even state it yourself - Something like 70% of the male population is uncircumsized (unless you're American - then you can almost flip those figures around. Apparently 60% of you guys are cut.) So lady, quit scaring my more delicate friends with a laundry list of cons & extras you have to perform with uncut gentlemen friends.
And to the girl who "gave a blow job to an uncircumcised guy once and couldn't figure out what the heck was going on" - Figure out what? What you should do now that there's a dick in your mouth? Congratulations. You're officially my Dumbest Person of the Day. Are you doing this shit with your eyes closed?
Dating an uncircumcized guy
Now this is my blog so I can be as incredulously snide as I like here. What the holy fuck was that?
It's a penis. If you need operating instructions, put your damn pants on & go get sterilized. We don't need your kind of stupidity reproducing.
No, his foreskin is not hiding teeth. No, it's not going to swallow you alive while you sleep. It's not incubating the plague or any other form of exotic disease you think you can get solely from sleeping with uncircumcised men. He knows how to clean it & if he doesn't, the boy has some hygiene issues, not dick issues. Like someone in the comments pointed out, when it's erect it's the same as a neatly trimmed one. It'll still get you pregnant. It'll still give you a nasty case of gonnorrhea. It'll still make you cry, watch shitty movies & eat a pint of icecream if it dumps you for another girl. In fact it'll do exactly the same job either way you slice it.
Wake up darling. You even state it yourself - Something like 70% of the male population is uncircumsized (unless you're American - then you can almost flip those figures around. Apparently 60% of you guys are cut.) So lady, quit scaring my more delicate friends with a laundry list of cons & extras you have to perform with uncut gentlemen friends.
And to the girl who "gave a blow job to an uncircumcised guy once and couldn't figure out what the heck was going on" - Figure out what? What you should do now that there's a dick in your mouth? Congratulations. You're officially my Dumbest Person of the Day. Are you doing this shit with your eyes closed?
Message to the guy I took home last Friday
I quite liked it when you proceded to finger-bang me for a bit, especially when you got a little tired of attempting to jackhammer me through the floorboards (kinda not cool either but besides the point). And I know that I'm usually pretty hard to get off so the extra effort on your behalf was much appreciated. But please, if I ask you to slow down, SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. It's not about speed & sheer brute strength. It's like you were trying to punch me in the vagina. Not cool. What feels like third degree bruising in that particular area is incredibly uncomfortable & makes it hurt when I pee. Don't do it.
Also the hickies? I explained beforehand that I'm in a pretty serious yet unfortunately very long distance (like 8,000 mile) relationship in which he & I had maturely discussed "temporary options". Sure you seemed to think that was a huge turn on which is fine with me - whatever floats your boat buddy. But not everybody thinks it's cool to sleep with other people while still maintaning a relationship hence me keeping any of my activities relatively discreet. So hey, common courtesy would suggest that you not leave great big suction marks all over my throat. Or my shoulders & breasts. Plus don't bite nipples - it stings. A little gentle gnawing is fine but you don't seem to know the meaning of the word gentle so you're banned from all teeth/nipple/finger/gash interaction. Also don't keep mentioning him while we're screwing - it's guaranteed I'm thinking about his dick, not yours.
Apart from that the rest of the night was pretty okay. I got off & I know you did too which was the desired effect on both sides. Thanks. I also think you have my panties but I guess you can keep them.
Also the hickies? I explained beforehand that I'm in a pretty serious yet unfortunately very long distance (like 8,000 mile) relationship in which he & I had maturely discussed "temporary options". Sure you seemed to think that was a huge turn on which is fine with me - whatever floats your boat buddy. But not everybody thinks it's cool to sleep with other people while still maintaning a relationship hence me keeping any of my activities relatively discreet. So hey, common courtesy would suggest that you not leave great big suction marks all over my throat. Or my shoulders & breasts. Plus don't bite nipples - it stings. A little gentle gnawing is fine but you don't seem to know the meaning of the word gentle so you're banned from all teeth/nipple/finger/gash interaction. Also don't keep mentioning him while we're screwing - it's guaranteed I'm thinking about his dick, not yours.
Apart from that the rest of the night was pretty okay. I got off & I know you did too which was the desired effect on both sides. Thanks. I also think you have my panties but I guess you can keep them.
Monday, February 2, 2009
It's a numbers game....
People are genuinely surprised when I 'fess up to how many sexual partners I've had.
It's much lower than you think. Much lower than pretty much anyone thinks. Then again most people fail to consider that I'm not exactly the type to be hanging around keggers in a bikini with 6" heels & smeared lipstick. Maybe I'm just particular with who I let into my vag. Plus I've spent 5 of my 26 years in serious relationships. Because you know, committed relationships seem to have this strange habit of taking your time away from fucking other men.
With girls - numbers sometimes aren't so kind. I remember my dear old grandmother making me promise to her that I'd be a virgin on my wedding night (Sorry Nona). But when she was my age the virgin ideal was still the norm. Now if I ask any guy I know 90% of them say they'd kill for 20 minutes with the plastic infused girl onscreen, the blonde one, the one currently getting drilled by 3 different guys in 3 different orifices.
Yet when it comes to serious girlfriend material they seem to prefer not to go where many many men have gone been before. Who knows, maybe the idea of a virginal bride is still a drawcard? Are virgins still hot to guys? (I'm not a penis carrying member of society so hit me back if you are & you've got an opinion) But seeing as I also know all my guy friends have all had a ride on the friendly neighbourhood bar-skank, I'm certainly not going to stake any money on it.
Of course the whole Mr P episode was fucktacular fuck up but in the end I still came away on top. Not surprisingly the guy is one of the worst lays I've ever had to endure. What's more interesting is the fact that he's a pharmacist who's hobby is apparently pumping every legal/not-so-legal drug into his system which means at 30, he's basically impotent. His dick just don't work the way it should - ie, at all. Add to that I find out Mr P is actually 3 fumblings off being a virgin. Virgins are cool in my book. Insufferable douchebag assholes are not.
So Mr P..... No, I'm not really sorry that I pocketed your stash of Viagra to use while fucking my next boyfriend. It's not like you're going to use it anyway. And yes, I lied. My number is more than either of your tiny pinhead(s) can comprehend.
It's much lower than you think. Much lower than pretty much anyone thinks. Then again most people fail to consider that I'm not exactly the type to be hanging around keggers in a bikini with 6" heels & smeared lipstick. Maybe I'm just particular with who I let into my vag. Plus I've spent 5 of my 26 years in serious relationships. Because you know, committed relationships seem to have this strange habit of taking your time away from fucking other men.
That said I've had more than a few use 'em/lose 'em one night stands. Admittedly at one point I wasn't even bothering to remember their names. I really don't think they cared that much but hey, it's pretty awkward looking for a guy's jeans on your bedroom floor & having to struggle to remember if his name was Matt or if Matt was the guy you picked up in a bar last week. Either way, Mr Half Naked Man, thanks for the orgasm.
Numbers seem much more important to men. Important in regards to how many vaguely human life-forms they can get their friends to believe that they've bedded in their existance. Bless their competitive little souls, they'll say they screwed their 9th grade lunch lady just to stop from coming in with the lowest figure.
With girls - numbers sometimes aren't so kind. I remember my dear old grandmother making me promise to her that I'd be a virgin on my wedding night (Sorry Nona). But when she was my age the virgin ideal was still the norm. Now if I ask any guy I know 90% of them say they'd kill for 20 minutes with the plastic infused girl onscreen, the blonde one, the one currently getting drilled by 3 different guys in 3 different orifices.
Yet when it comes to serious girlfriend material they seem to prefer not to go where many many men have gone been before. Who knows, maybe the idea of a virginal bride is still a drawcard? Are virgins still hot to guys? (I'm not a penis carrying member of society so hit me back if you are & you've got an opinion) But seeing as I also know all my guy friends have all had a ride on the friendly neighbourhood bar-skank, I'm certainly not going to stake any money on it.
Keeping that thought in mind, along comes Mr P.
Mr P is an insufferable douchebag I dated who had a smug, condecending way of making me feel about as worthy as a two dollar hooker. For some reason I find myself dating this lukewarm puddle of jerk off who eventually gets the balls enough to come out & ask me about how many guy's I've slept with - which if you're reading this, I'm obviously not that shy about revealing. Now I'm an honest, openminded kind of girl; I don't really see the point in lying about sex, especially when it comes to something as important as a potential partner's sexual history. But something; some sharp, niggling little feeling in my head told me I should round my number down. Right down. Down to single digits. Down to the middle range of the single digits in fact.
Even that was too much for Mr P, a man who had spent an entire evening boasting about how satisfied his many varied ex girlfriends were. Fixing me with a look that was clearly wondering if contact with my girl parts would corrode his dick, he tells me that the number seems "excessive" & asks if I'm "a whore or something".
This...... This is a glaring red flag screaming at you to get the fuck out. Preferably after kicking him in the balls for being a condecending douchbag. But for some reason I still dated him for an entire week after that, which included sleeping with him - the world's worst idea. But apparently I'm a little bit stupid when I'm naked. That's not really the point.
If a guy wants me to be the Virgin Mary that's his issue, not mine. What's with that anyway? Guys today either wants a church going pastor's daughter or a porn starlet who'll admit to enjoying more than one bukkake fest on her days off. Where's the middle ground? Where's the sexual equality in that? Finding out that you're in triple digits doesn't have me screaming "Unclean! Unclean!" & scrubbing off 3 layers of skin now, does it?
Of course the whole Mr P episode was fucktacular fuck up but in the end I still came away on top. Not surprisingly the guy is one of the worst lays I've ever had to endure. What's more interesting is the fact that he's a pharmacist who's hobby is apparently pumping every legal/not-so-legal drug into his system which means at 30, he's basically impotent. His dick just don't work the way it should - ie, at all. Add to that I find out Mr P is actually 3 fumblings off being a virgin. Virgins are cool in my book. Insufferable douchebag assholes are not.
So Mr P..... No, I'm not really sorry that I pocketed your stash of Viagra to use while fucking my next boyfriend. It's not like you're going to use it anyway. And yes, I lied. My number is more than either of your tiny pinhead(s) can comprehend.
Balls
Ben Wa balls are supposed to train you to tighten pelvic floor muscles. And take it from me, a few well timed squeezes of that wonderful set of muscles is going to tip him over pretty damn quick if you hit the right rhythm.
So basically, the marble-sized balls are used are a kind of training aid - like your gash is doing itty-bitty situps while the rest of you is doing laundry. Can it get any easier?
Now I don't have kids. I'm 24 years old. And by all accounts things are a pretty tight fit down there already. So my gash really doesn't need any further work. But after hearing that slipping Ben Wa balls in during sex can add a whole new dimension of fun, my friend & I thought; why not?
The first stage was fun. He & I have a little dominance play type thing going on so with him personally handling the insertion - total turn on for me. Plus you can really feel those little guys moving around in there which only serves as a constant reminder that you're a kinky little girl with one hell of an evening ahead of you.
And the fucking was fun, a whole lotta fun. It's a truly different sensation, from my side at least. You can feel the balls; pressing & rolling against all your soft pink bits. And he too can feel them; pressing against him & his...... less soft bits. It's new. It's exciting. It's oh-so-delicious. It's fun for all involved.
But all good things must come to an end. The 2 page instruction guide (yes I read instructions, especially when it comes to inserting objects into my girl-parts) advises removal by lifting one leg to waist height, relaxing your muscles & allowing the balls to simply slip out (they're rather heavy). So, one foot on bathroom counter, a deep breath, exhale & relax. Nothing happens. Consult instructions. According to them an alternative removal method is to either squat/perch that pretty ass on the toilet. Both terribly sophisticated options. And yet after trying both in turn, still nothing.
There's a number of steps you take when you realise those little suckers aren't coming out.
1. Commence panicking (Oh my god, there's a pair of tiny metal balls lodged in my vagina).
2. Drift into deluded denial (No way can this be happening. There's no way there's a pair of tiny metal balls lodged in my vagina).
3. Mortified realisation (Oh shit. There's a pair of tiny metal balls lodged in my vagina. How do I explain this at the emergency room? ).
4. Embarrased admission that assistance is needed (Umm... Could you help remove the pair of tiny metal balls lodged in my vagina?).
There's not many acts more awkwardly bonding for two people than kneeling at the end of your bed at 3am, a flashlight held in your mouth, fishing a set of small shiny marbles out of a panicking girl's whole-lotta-fun. Dude, I owe you. And please, throw away the spoon.
So basically, the marble-sized balls are used are a kind of training aid - like your gash is doing itty-bitty situps while the rest of you is doing laundry. Can it get any easier?
Now I don't have kids. I'm 24 years old. And by all accounts things are a pretty tight fit down there already. So my gash really doesn't need any further work. But after hearing that slipping Ben Wa balls in during sex can add a whole new dimension of fun, my friend & I thought; why not?
The first stage was fun. He & I have a little dominance play type thing going on so with him personally handling the insertion - total turn on for me. Plus you can really feel those little guys moving around in there which only serves as a constant reminder that you're a kinky little girl with one hell of an evening ahead of you.
And the fucking was fun, a whole lotta fun. It's a truly different sensation, from my side at least. You can feel the balls; pressing & rolling against all your soft pink bits. And he too can feel them; pressing against him & his...... less soft bits. It's new. It's exciting. It's oh-so-delicious. It's fun for all involved.
But all good things must come to an end. The 2 page instruction guide (yes I read instructions, especially when it comes to inserting objects into my girl-parts) advises removal by lifting one leg to waist height, relaxing your muscles & allowing the balls to simply slip out (they're rather heavy). So, one foot on bathroom counter, a deep breath, exhale & relax. Nothing happens. Consult instructions. According to them an alternative removal method is to either squat/perch that pretty ass on the toilet. Both terribly sophisticated options. And yet after trying both in turn, still nothing.
There's a number of steps you take when you realise those little suckers aren't coming out.
1. Commence panicking (Oh my god, there's a pair of tiny metal balls lodged in my vagina).
2. Drift into deluded denial (No way can this be happening. There's no way there's a pair of tiny metal balls lodged in my vagina).
3. Mortified realisation (Oh shit. There's a pair of tiny metal balls lodged in my vagina. How do I explain this at the emergency room? ).
4. Embarrased admission that assistance is needed (Umm... Could you help remove the pair of tiny metal balls lodged in my vagina?).
There's not many acts more awkwardly bonding for two people than kneeling at the end of your bed at 3am, a flashlight held in your mouth, fishing a set of small shiny marbles out of a panicking girl's whole-lotta-fun. Dude, I owe you. And please, throw away the spoon.
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