Filthy mind.

I am constantly asked questions about sex by friends. How I achieved this dubious/illustrious position as sexual councillor I have no idea - sure I like to bump bones as much as any other girl but I hardly allude to leading a life filled with as much sexual deviancy as you can fit into a one-size-fits-all PVC gimp suit. I just figure my unwavering sense of sarcastic wit just puts people at ease.

Go figure.

But hey, I'm a girl - breasts, x chromosomes & ovaries - and we talk about cock almost as much as we talk about shoes. As soon as your back is turned, out comes the girl's guide to all things phallic & testostorone fuelled. Basically everything is open for discussion - size, orgasms, whether or not he wants you to diaper him & calls you mommy. We're mercenary. Chances are that behind the innocent angelic face of your girlfriend/sister/mother lies a profoundly perverted princess. Yes, your mom; try that on for trauma.

First things first, this will never be a 'how-to' guide - If you don't know how, you probably shouldn't be doing it in the first place. Actually scratch that - I'm all for new & inventive ways of ridding humanity of the less intelligent & preventing them from breeding further stupidity so go ahead, see if you CAN be the first to pull off the backwards facing monkey position while balanced on the edge of a cliff-face. In fact I dare you.

Think of these more as friendly chats, albeit one-sided, with your open minded neighbourhood girl next door - except I'm far less gullible, more sarcastic & that ubiquitous box under my bed probably doesn't contain old school year books. Feel free to ask questions if you feel so compelled - I enjoy a good laugh & I need a new hobby since my pyschotic neighbour stopped screeching at her much maligned boyfriend in the middle of the street.

For example, meeting up with my long time friend & fellow deviant, J, for lunch last week, she asked if I had any experience with the world of watersports.

Watersports??

Personally I like waterskiing. It's fast, wet & you get a tan while you're doing it. But fucking a guy who wants me to take a leak in his mouth while he's tied to my bed with a red rubber dildo up his ass - well that's kinda fucking weird. And a whole bucket full of 'what the hell?'. But hey, I'm open minded, I attempt to understand all fetishes. It's just that this girl's set her limits and in no way shape or order do they encompass (supposedly) erotic urination. My advice? Get a hobby dude. And perhaps some plastic sheets.

A question I've also been asked innumerable times by male acquaintances - why is my girlfriend hesitant to let me in the back door? Well heads up fuckers - it hurts. Putting something in the outbox, without the proper clearance, is always going to cause a few issues. That said, with adequate notification & the proper clearance.... [Insert awkward pause] But I digress. You'll find that most girls are open to the idea of a little walk on the darkside - simply be a gentleman about it. If not pile more & more pressure on her until she can take it anymore & guilt trip her into doing it to save the relationship. Hell, you're shallow enough that your relationship on reliant on anal sex so my guess is that you're going to ditch her anyway. You may as well get what you want before you're made into a crude vodoo doll & lined up in the windscreen of her SUV the next time you step outside your apartment.

That sounded a tad bitter didn't it? Anyway in the spirit of a more caring, sharing, touchy-feely kinda vibe around these parts, feel free to ask me anything that's been bugging you - be it about girl things, boy things or all-things-in-between things - I know a lot of odd people, have bucketloads of sarcasm & a big-ass dictionary.